If you’ve read about the narcissistic relationship cycle, you might be wondering about the specific tactics that make you question your own reality. That’s what we’re covering here.
“Did that really happen the way I remember it?”
“Maybe I am overreacting.”
“Why can’t I ever get anything right?”
If these thoughts have become your constant internal soundtrack, you’re not losing your mind. You might be experiencing gaslighting, a manipulation tactic so effective that Merriam-Webster named it Word of the Year in 2022 after searches for the term increased by 1,740%.
What Gaslighting Is (And Isn’t)
The term comes from a 1944 film where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s losing her mind by dimming the gaslights and denying it’s happening. Today, psychologists define gaslighting as systematic psychological manipulation that makes you question your own reality, memory, or perceptions.
It’s not an ordinary disagreement. It’s not someone occasionally forgetting events differently from how you remember them. Gaslighting is a pattern in which one person consistently negates another’s perception while insisting that the other person is wrong.
Recent research shows gaslighting is more common than we thought. Sociologist Kate Sweet’s comprehensive analysis in American Sociological Review found that gaslighting appears across intimate partner violence, workplace dynamics, and institutional settings. The research identifies it as a distinct form of “crazy-making” that creates a hostile social environment.
Recognizing Gaslighting in Action
Meet Sarah. When she tried to talk with her partner about his flirting with a coworker, here’s what happened:
Sarah: “I felt uncomfortable when you touched her arm and laughed at all her jokes at the party.”
Partner: “I never touched her arm. You’re making that up.” (Denial)
Sarah: “I saw it happen by the kitchen.”
Partner: “You’re so insecure. This is exactly why I can’t invite you to work events anymore. You embarrass me.” (Attack)
Sarah: “I’m not trying to start a fight, I just—”
Partner: “You’re always trying to control who I talk to. I’m the one who should be upset here. I can’t even have normal conversations without you creating drama.” (Reversal)
By the end of this conversation, Sarah apologizes for bringing it up and questions whether she really saw what she thinks she saw.
This scenario shows how quickly gaslighting can flip reality. What started as Sarah expressing a legitimate concern ended with her apologizing and doubting her own perception.
Common Gaslighting Language
Research on gaslighting tactics has identified specific phrases that show up repeatedly:
Countering: “That never happened. You’re remembering it wrong.”
Withholding: “I don’t want to talk about this again. You’re too much.”
Trivializing: “You’re so sensitive. Can’t you take a joke?”
Denial: “I never said that. You’re making things up.”
Diversion: “Why are you always trying to start fights?”
These aren’t just dismissive. They serve a dual purpose: deflecting accountability while attacking your credibility.
The Manipulation Toolkit Beyond Gaslighting
Projection
They accuse you of exactly what they’re doing. If they’re being unfaithful, they accuse you of cheating. If they’re lying, they call you dishonest. Projection serves a defensive function by avoiding uncomfortable truths about themselves.
In Sarah’s case, her partner’s accusation that she’s “controlling” is projection. He’s the one trying to control her perception of reality and her behavior at social events.
Triangulation
This brings a third person into the dynamic to validate the manipulator’s perspective or make you feel jealous and insecure.
“My ex never complained about this.”
“My mother thinks you’re the problem.”
“Everyone at work thinks you’re overreacting.”
These statements create competition and comparison, keeping you in a state of trying to prove your worth. The “everyone” or “they” is often vague and unverifiable.
Moving Goalposts
You finally meet their demand, but suddenly it’s not enough, or it wasn’t really what they wanted. This keeps you in perpetual failure mode.
Sarah’s partner says she’s too jealous, so she works on her confidence. Next time, he criticizes her for being “distant” and “not caring enough.” The target keeps shifting.
Psychological research explains this as intermittent reinforcement. By making satisfaction unpredictable, manipulators ensure you keep trying harder to please them.
DARVO: The Triple Threat
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Psychologist Jennifer Freyd coined this term in 1997, and subsequent research has shown it’s a common manipulation strategy.
When confronted with harmful behavior, the person:
- Denies the behavior occurred
- Attacks you for bringing it up
- Positions themselves as the real victim
A 2020 study by Harsey and Freyd found that DARVO makes victims less believable and perpetrators more believable to outside observers. Their 2023 follow-up research showed DARVO is particularly damaging because it weaponizes your empathy. Your natural compassion makes you want to comfort them, and suddenly you’re apologizing for being hurt.
Sarah experienced textbook DARVO. She brought up a legitimate concern, and within minutes she became the villain while her partner claimed victimhood.
Why These Tactics Work: The Neuroscience
Recent research into gaslighting’s effects on the brain reveals why it feels so disorienting. The brain naturally tries to minimize “prediction errors” by choosing the explanation that requires the smallest change to existing beliefs.
If you’ve invested years in a relationship, accepting that your partner is systematically lying means your whole world collapses. Accepting that you’re occasionally paranoid means you just need to work on yourself. The manipulator exploits this by making the “they’re lying” explanation seem catastrophic while making the “you’re paranoid” explanation seem reasonable and fixable.
Over time, your brain literally rewires itself to default to self-doubt. Brain scans of survivors show patterns similar to severe PTSD, with areas responsible for threat assessment becoming both hyperactive and unreliable.
The good news? With distance and support, these neural changes can heal.
Recognizing the Signs in Your Own Life
Ask yourself:
Do you constantly apologize, even when you’re not sure what you did wrong?
Have you stopped trusting your own perceptions?
Do you feel “crazy” or “too much”?
Are you isolated from friends and family who might offer perspective?
Do you rehearse conversations in your head, trying to find the “right” way to bring things up so they won’t get angry?
Have you stopped bringing up concerns because it always backfires?
If several of these ring true, you’re not imagining things. You’re experiencing the predictable effects of systematic manipulation.
What to Do When You’re Being Gaslighted
Document Your Reality
Keep a private journal with dates and specific incidents. Write down what happened from your perspective immediately after it occurs, before doubt creeps in. When you read back your own words, patterns become undeniable.
This isn’t about “building a case.” It’s about preserving your own reality when someone is actively trying to rewrite it.
Reach Out to Trusted People
Social isolation makes gaslighting more effective. Research shows that gaslighting’s effects are worse for people who lack social networks and structural protections.
Share what’s happening with someone who knows you well. Their outside perspective can help you reality-test your experiences.
Learn to Trust Your Gut Again
Your instincts aren’t broken, even if you’ve been told they are. If something feels wrong, that information is valuable. You might not always be 100% accurate about details, but your gut sense that something isn’t right deserves respect.
Set Boundaries with Consequences
“When you tell me I’m making things up, I’m going to end the conversation and leave the room.”
“If you call me names during disagreements, I won’t continue the discussion.”
The key is following through. Boundaries without consequences teach manipulators that you don’t mean what you say.
Consider Professional Support
A trauma-informed therapist can help you:
- Rebuild trust in your own perceptions
- Develop strategies for dealing with manipulation
- Process the emotional impact of this type of abuse
- Make decisions about the relationship
Gaslighting often occurs in the context of other forms of abuse. A therapist can help you assess your safety and create a plan.
Why This Matters
Gaslighting isn’t just annoying or frustrating. It’s a form of psychological abuse that can have lasting effects on mental health. Research documents connections between gaslighting and anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress symptoms.
But here’s what’s also true: understanding what’s happening to you is the first step toward reclaiming your reality. The confusion that gaslighting creates thrives in isolation and secrecy. Naming it, recognizing the patterns, and connecting with support breaks its power.
Understanding these manipulation tactics is important, but you might also be wondering why they affect you so deeply and for so long. We explore that in our next post on the lasting effects of narcissistic abuse.
Reclaiming Reality
Trust yourself. Your feelings are valid. Your memories are real. Your perceptions matter.
If this pattern feels familiar, you don’t have to figure it out alone. At Firefly Therapy Austin, our therapists understand narcissistic manipulation and the toll it takes on mental health. We offer both in-person and telehealth sessions, so you can get support in whatever way feels most comfortable.
Getting started with therapy when you’re questioning your own reality takes courage. But you deserve to live without constantly doubting yourself, and healing from this kind of manipulation is absolutely possible.