Updated on December 23, 2025
You probably Googled “stages of grief” hoping to figure out where you are in the process. Maybe you’re wondering if you’re grieving wrong because you’re not moving through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance in order.
Decades of grief research show that most people don’t grieve in stages at all.
I know that’s not what you wanted to hear. The stages feel like a roadmap when you’re lost, and grief is one of the most disorienting experiences we face as humans. Over 3.4 million people die in the United States each year, leaving an average of nine bereaved people for every death. That’s millions of people searching for a framework to make sense of unbearable pain.
The five stages gave us language for grief at a time when death was rarely discussed openly. But understanding what research actually shows about grief can be far more helpful than following a model that doesn’t match most people’s experiences.
Where the Five Stages Came From
Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the five stages in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. But here’s what most people don’t know: she developed them by interviewing over 200 patients who were facing terminal illness, not people who were grieving the death of someone they loved.
The stages described how dying patients sometimes responded to their own approaching death. Kübler-Ross later applied them to bereaved families, but the fit was never quite right.
She acknowledged this herself, noting that patients often experienced multiple stages simultaneously and didn’t move through them in any predictable order. She even put “stages” in quotation marks in her own diagrams to emphasize that they weren’t meant to be rigid steps.
Why Stages Persist Despite Lack of Evidence
The stages became wildly popular because they filled a void. In the 1960s, there was almost no research on grief. People were desperate for any guidance on navigating loss.
But as grief research developed over the following decades, the evidence consistently failed to support the stage model:
Research by George Bonanno in 2002 found that only 11% of bereaved individuals followed the grief trajectory assumed to be “normal.”
A study of 193 widowed individuals found no evidence of separate stages of adaptation. Instead, emotional well-being oscillated rather than progressing linearly.
In 2017, leading grief researchers Margaret Stroebe, Henk Schut, and Kathrin Boerner published a paper with a blunt title: “Cautioning Health-Care Professionals: Bereaved Persons Are Misguided Through the Stages of Grief.” They concluded that using stages as a guide “is unhelpful and may even cause harm.”
The harm comes in several forms. People feel they’re grieving incorrectly when their experience doesn’t match the stages. Friends and family give unhelpful advice based on where they think you “should” be. Some people pressure themselves to reach “acceptance” before they’re ready, while others feel guilty for having good days because they haven’t finished being depressed.
How Most People Grieve
If grief doesn’t follow stages, what does it look like?
Researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut developed what’s now considered the most evidence-based model: the Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement, published in 1999. This model better represents how grief actually unfolds for most people.
The Dual Process Model identifies two types of coping that grieving people move between:
- Loss-oriented coping focuses directly on the person who died. This includes crying, yearning, looking at photos, visiting the grave, talking about memories, and sitting with the pain of absence. Loss-oriented coping is what most people think of as “grief work.”
- Restoration-oriented coping focuses on adjusting to life without the person. This includes practical tasks such as managing finances they previously handled, learning skills they had always used, creating new routines, forming new relationships or roles, and finding ways to move forward.
The key insight is the oscillation between these two types of coping. You don’t work through loss-oriented grief and then move on to restoration. Instead, you move back and forth between confronting the loss and adjusting to changed circumstances. Sometimes within the same day.
What Oscillation Looks Like in Real Life
Monday morning, you wake up crying because you reached for your phone to text your mom before remembering she’s gone. Loss-oriented.
By afternoon, you’re figuring out how to file taxes for the first time because your partner always handled that. Restoration-oriented.
Tuesday, you’re having coffee with friends and laughing at a story. You feel okay, maybe even good. Restoration-oriented.
Wednesday night, grief hits you in the produce aisle because you automatically reach for the apples your dad loved. You leave the store without groceries. Loss-oriented.
This back-and-forth isn’t a sign you’re stuck or regressing. It’s how healthy grieving works.
Research shows that this oscillation between confronting and avoiding different aspects of grief helps you process loss in manageable doses rather than becoming overwhelmed. Think of it as your mind’s way of giving you breaks from the most challenging work.
Both Sides Are Necessary (And Hard)
Loss-oriented coping is obviously painful. Yearning for someone you’ll never see again, accepting the permanence of their absence, processing difficult emotions about how they died—this work is exhausting and heartbreaking.
But restoration-oriented coping is also stressful. Learning to cook when your spouse always made dinner. Attending social events alone. Figuring out your identity as a single person rather than someone’s partner. Making decisions without input from the person whose judgment you trusted most.
People sometimes feel guilty during restoration-oriented moments. You might think, “How can I be laughing at this party when my brother just died?” or “Shouldn’t I be sadder?”
The Dual Process Model supports the idea that both are needed. Restoration doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten or stopped caring. It means you’re doing the equally important work of building a life that incorporates the loss rather than being consumed by it.
When Grief Feels Overwhelming
In the first days and weeks after a loss, many people experience what researchers call “overload”—both loss-oriented and restoration-oriented stressors hit at once. You’re drowning in grief while also planning a funeral, notifying insurance companies, and managing an inbox full of condolence messages.
This intense early period is normal. Most people’s grief symptoms naturally decrease over the first six months. Research on bereavement trajectories shows that the majority of bereaved individuals adapt over time without requiring specialized mental health intervention.
But for about 10% of bereaved people, grief remains intense and impairing beyond the first year. This is now recognized as Prolonged Grief Disorder in the DSM-5-TR.
- Signs that grief may need professional support include:
- Intense yearning or preoccupation with the deceased that disrupts daily functioning.
- Difficulty accepting the death persisting beyond a year
- Identity confusion or feeling that part of yourself died with them
- Avoiding reminders of the person to the point where it limits your life
- Inability to experience positive emotions or feel connected to others
- Thoughts of wanting to die to be with the person
If any of these resonate, reaching out for grief counseling doesn’t mean you’re weak or broken. It means you’re recognizing when you need support navigating an extraordinarily difficult experience.
Practical Strategies That Match How Grief Works
Understanding oscillation can help you be gentler with yourself. Here are approaches based on how grief actually unfolds:
Allow both types of coping. Don’t force yourself to “move on” before you’re ready, but also don’t feel guilty for having moments of normalcy or even joy. Both are part of healing.
Notice your natural rhythm. Some days you’ll gravitate toward loss-oriented activities like looking through old photos. Other days you’ll feel more oriented toward practical tasks or social connections. Neither is wrong.
Take breaks from grief when you need them. Watch a funny show, meet a friend for coffee, or lose yourself in a project. These aren’t distractions from real grief—they’re restoration-oriented coping that helps you recharge.
Create space for grief when it shows up. When loss-oriented feelings emerge, try to make room for them rather than immediately pushing them away. Cry if you need to. Talk about your person. Sit with the pain for a while.
Start small with restoration tasks. If practical changes feel overwhelming, break them into tiny steps. You don’t have to reorganize their entire closet—maybe start by putting one load of their laundry through.
Connect with people who get it. Grief support groups in Austin, through organizations like Hospice Austin or The Christi Center, can provide a connection with others navigating similar losses.
Journal about both sides of your experience. Writing can help you process both the pain of loss and the challenges of rebuilding daily life.
Grief Across Cultures and Contexts
The Dual Process Model acknowledges that different cultures emphasize loss-oriented versus restoration-oriented coping to different degrees. Some cultures have extended mourning periods with specific rituals for expressing grief openly. Others emphasize resilience and moving forward more quickly.
Neither approach is inherently better. What matters is that healthy grieving incorporates both confronting the loss and gradually adjusting to changed circumstances, in whatever balance feels right for your cultural context and personal temperament.
The model also recognizes that the type of loss matters. Losing a spouse after a long illness creates different challenges than the sudden death of a child or losing a parent to suicide. Research shows that unexpected or traumatic deaths often create more intense and prolonged grief reactions.
When Grief Changes Over Time
Over months and years, many people find they oscillate less dramatically and less frequently. The waves of acute grief become less frequent and intense. Restoration-oriented living becomes more predominant, though loss-oriented moments still emerge around anniversaries, holidays, or unexpected reminders.
This doesn’t mean the person matters less or that you’ve “gotten over it.” It means you’re learning to carry the loss while also engaging with life. The relationship with your person doesn’t end—it transforms into something you carry with you rather than something that stops you in your tracks.
Some people find meaning in their grief by honoring their loved one’s memory through volunteer work, creative projects, or by supporting others facing similar losses. Others integrate the loss into their ongoing life story. There’s no prescribed way this should look.
Supporting Someone Who’s Grieving
If you’re trying to help a grieving friend or family member, understanding oscillation can guide you:
- Don’t expect them to progress through predictable stages or reach “closure.”
- Create space for both types of coping. Sometimes they might need to talk about their person and cry. Other times, they might need help with taxes or want to see a movie.
- Don’t judge where they are in the process. If they’re laughing three weeks after a death, that’s not denial. If they’re still crying six months later, that’s not being stuck.
- Offer specific, practical help with restoration tasks: “I’m going to Target this afternoon. Can I pick up anything you need?” works better than “Let me know if you need anything.”
- Keep showing up after the first few weeks. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline, and many people feel most isolated after initial support fades.
You’re Not Doing It Wrong
If there’s one thing to take from grief research, it’s this: there’s no right way to grieve. You don’t need to hit certain milestones or move through specific stages to be “doing it correctly.”
Some days will be harder than others. Some moments you’ll feel consumed by loss. At other moments, you’ll feel surprisingly okay. All of this is part of how humans navigate one of life’s most difficult experiences.
Your grief is as unique as your relationship with the person you lost. Trust yourself to move between remembering and rebuilding in whatever rhythm feels right for you.
Finding Support in Austin
At Firefly Therapy Austin, we understand that grief doesn’t follow a prescribed path. Our therapists work with grief from a research-informed perspective, creating space for both the pain of loss and the challenges of moving forward.
We offer approaches that help with complicated grief, traumatic loss, and the normal but complex process of adjusting to life after losing someone important. Whether you need help processing loss-oriented feelings or support navigating restoration-oriented challenges, we’re here to walk alongside you.
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
Firefly Therapy Austin offers affordable, effective therapy in Austin, Texas.
Find out more about our Therapists and Specialties.