I love working with couples. Despite being more complex than individual therapy, it is profoundly rewarding to assist a couple in finding renewed connection with their partner and with themselves.
It is here, in the partnership, that each partner sees themself as they are and not just how they want to be. It is here, in the partnership, that a unique opportunity for personal growth exists, resulting in a more fulfilling and rewarding partnership. I believe this connection and ability to relate securely to another human being is one of the greatest gifts as we walk this world together.
What Secure Relating Means
Secure relating is the ability to maintain your sense of self while staying emotionally connected to your partner. It means you can share vulnerabilities without fear of rejection, express needs without anxiety, and navigate conflict without losing yourself or the relationship.
When couples relate securely, they build trusting relationships where disagreements won’t end the partnership. They can say “I’m hurt” without their partner becoming defensive. They can pursue individual interests without their partner feeling abandoned.
This security doesn’t mean the absence of conflict. It means both partners believe the relationship is safe enough to handle whatever arises.
Research consistently shows that secure attachment is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. A cross-national study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that attachment security predicted nearly 30% of the variation in relationship quality, making it more influential than age, conflicts, or external stressors. Secure attachment was linked to better health, greater psychological well-being, and more effective relationship stress coping.
What to Expect in Couples Therapy
Couples therapy is more complex than individual therapy in large part because the client is made up of three entities: the two partners and the partnership itself. While the partnership is the ultimate client in couples therapy and the focus of the work, it is inevitable that individual therapy plays out within the couples’ session.
Each partner brings a history of relating from their family of origin and from past relationships. Past relationship experiences result in one’s attachment style, ability to communicate feelings and needs, use of protective mechanisms and coping strategies, and beliefs about oneself in connection to others.
These individual issues unfold within the partnership in ways unlike those in other relationships, each partner may have with friends, family, and coworkers.
Why Couples Come to Therapy
Some couples come to therapy to lessen the distress they are feeling around a decision to separate. One partner may be hoping therapy will save the relationship, while the other partner is agreeing to therapy to appease their partner, even though they have already checked out emotionally.
The reasons may include infidelity or loss of intimacy, parenting or financial stresses, past relationship traumas resurfacing, or fears of “is this all there is.”
Recently, I have been seeing an increase in couples coming to therapy before they fully commit to a life together. They sense potential pitfalls in how they relate to each other and want to learn tools and techniques to communicate better and build a strong, healthy relationship going forward.
Sessions with these couples are always enlightening to the couple as they get to know each other on a deeper level while sharing parts of their personal narrative in a safe space.
Other couples come to therapy because one or both partners are at a stage in their life where they are re-examining their purpose and self-identity after years together. This can cause a disruption to the equilibrium of the relationship that has existed for most of their years together.
One or both partners may be threatened and become defensive, accusatory or withdrawn because they do not know how to be in this new dynamic. They struggle to communicate their feelings and needs to the person they see changing in front of them.
Where the Work Gets Done
Whatever the initial reasons for seeking couples therapy, it always includes degrees of being stuck in a pattern of restricted communication, limiting self-narratives, and an unacknowledged duality of one’s partner as a separate autonomous person, but also the person to whom they are most closely connected.
This is where the work is done, and the reward is realized.
Creating secure attachment patterns takes time, patience, and practice. But the result is a partnership where both people can be fully themselves while staying deeply connected. If you’re ready to build these patterns in your relationship, I’d welcome the opportunity to work with you.
Firefly Therapy Austin offers affordable, effective therapy in Austin, Texas.
Find out more about our Therapists and Specialties.