Updated on December 17, 2025
Your seven-year-old asks at breakfast, “Is Grandma coming back?” You’ve answered this question three times already. Your coffee’s gone cold while you search for new words that might make the reality stick this time.
Later that afternoon, you find him building a Lego spaceship, laughing at something funny on TV, as if nothing happened. That evening, he melts down over homework that generally wouldn’t faze him.
This is what childhood grief looks like. It doesn’t follow adult patterns or timelines. Kids move in and out of grief like stepping in and out of a swimming pool. One moment they’re submerged in it, the next they’re back to being kids who need to play and laugh and feel normal.
If you’re supporting a grieving child, you might feel lost. What do you say when they ask the same question for the fourth time? How do you know if their behavior is normal or something that needs professional help? Should you talk about the person who died, or does that make it worse?
Your steady, honest presence matters more than having all the answers. Here’s how to support your child through one of life’s most challenging experiences.
Why Your Presence Matters Most
Studies show that two things matter most for helping kids through loss: having at least one stable adult in their corner, and a place where they can express whatever they’re feeling without judgment.
You don’t need to be a grief expert. You just need to show up, be honest, and create a safe place for whatever your child is feeling.
Think of yourself as your child’s emotional anchor. When their world feels chaotic and scary, you’re the steady point they can return to.
How Children Understand Death at Different Ages
Children’s brains develop in stages, which means their understanding of death changes fundamentally with age. Knowing what’s typical for each developmental stage helps you respond in ways that match where they are.
Infants and Toddlers (0-3 Years)
Babies and toddlers don’t grasp the concept of death, but they absolutely feel the absence of someone who was part of their daily routine. They might become fussier, eat less, or seem withdrawn. They’re responding to the disruption in their world and the emotions of caring adults around them.
Some very young children develop what looks like separation anxiety, becoming clingy or distressed when their primary caregiver leaves the room. This makes sense when you consider that their sense of security has already been shaken by someone disappearing from their life.
What this looks like: Your toddler keeps looking for Grandpa at his usual chair. She asks “Papa?” every time someone comes through the front door. She might regress in toilet training or start waking up at night again.
How to help: Maintain routines whenever possible. Offer extra physical comfort. Keep your explanations very simple: “Grandpa died. His body stopped working. He can’t come visit anymore.” Don’t worry about them fully understanding. You’re planting seeds for future comprehension.
Preschoolers (3-5 Years)
Young children think death is temporary and reversible, like sleep or a trip. They might ask when the person is coming back or whether they’ll be hungry in their coffin.
These questions aren’t a denial. They genuinely don’t understand that death is permanent.
What this looks like: Your four-year-old asks if you can call Grandma so she can come to her birthday party. He acts out the funeral with his action figures. She tells her preschool teacher matter-of-factly that “Daddy is dead, but he’ll be back for dinner.”
How to help: Use concrete, clear language. “When someone dies, their body stops working completely. They can’t breathe, eat, think, or feel anymore. They won’t come back.”
Expect to repeat this many times. Each time they ask, they’re processing the information more deeply.
Age-appropriate storybooks about death can help children at this stage understand what happened. Look for books that use clear language and honest explanations rather than metaphors that might confuse them.
School Age Children (6-8 Years)
Around age six or seven, children start understanding that death is permanent, but they often don’t realize it will happen to them or to you. They might develop fears that death is contagious or think it only happens to old or sick people.
Your eight-year-old suddenly wants to know if Grandpa’s heart is still in his body, whether he can hear in the casket, and what happens to his brain. These aren’t morbid questions. They’re his way of making sense of something abstract and frightening.
School performance might dip during this time. Whether your child attends AISD, a charter school, or a private school in the Austin area, let their teacher know about the loss so the school can offer appropriate support. Your child may have difficulty concentrating, forget assignments, or appear distracted in class.
What this looks like: Your six-year-old wants to know exactly what happened to Aunt Sarah’s body. She asks if you’re going to die too. He develops new fears about you getting sick or being in a car accident. She starts asking about heaven or what happens after death.
How to help: Answer their questions honestly but without overwhelming detail. Reassure them repeatedly: “I’m healthy, and I plan to be around for a very long time.”
Address their magical thinking directly. “Nothing you thought or said or did made this happen.”
Older Children (9-12 Years)
By around age nine, most children understand that death is universal, permanent, and will happen to everyone eventually, including themselves. This realization can be frightening and may trigger existential questions or increased anxiety about their own mortality or yours.
What this looks like: Your ten-year-old becomes quiet and withdrawn. She journals frequently but won’t discuss her feelings. He asks profound questions about the meaning of life. She starts obsessing over your health.
How to help: Give them space to process while staying emotionally available. Respect their privacy but check in regularly.
Engage with their big questions without pretending you have all the answers. “I wonder about that too. What do you think?”
Young Adults (13-18 Years)
Teens fully grasp the reality and finality of death. They understand the ripple effects of a loss and can consider how it will affect their future. They might hide their grief to protect you or seem fine publicly while struggling privately.
What this looks like: Your teenager throws himself into sports or schoolwork. She pulls away from family but leans heavily on friends. He acts angry and irritable over small things. She posts cryptic messages on social media but says “I’m fine” when you ask.
How to help: Respect their need for independence while making sure they know you’re available. Don’t force conversations, but create opportunities. “Want to grab coffee and just drive around?”
Accept that they might process grief with friends more than with you, and that’s developmentally normal.
Use Clear, Honest Language
Well-meaning adults often use euphemisms to soften the blow. “We lost Grandpa.” “Mommy went to sleep.” “God needed another angel.”
But for children, especially younger ones, these phrases create confusion and fear. A child who hears “Grandma is sleeping” might become terrified of going to sleep themselves. “We lost Daddy” makes them think you could find him if you looked hard enough.
Instead, use the actual words. “Grandpa died. His body stopped working, and he died.” It might feel harsh, but it’s clearer and prevents misunderstandings that can create additional anxiety.
Your pediatrician or other health care providers can offer guidance on age-appropriate ways to explain the death, especially if the loved one died from a chronic illness or other medical condition that your child witnessed.
Be prepared for repetition. Your child asking “Where’s Daddy?” for the twentieth time isn’t forgetting your answer. They’re trying to integrate reality into their understanding of the world, and that takes time and repeated processing.
Let them see your grief too:
“I’m crying because I miss Grandma so much. Sometimes when we love someone, and they die, we cry. That’s okay. It helps us express our sadness.”
This gives them permission to express their own emotions and shows them that grief is a normal part of loving someone.
Create Space for All Their Feelings
Children need explicit permission to feel whatever they’re feeling. Childhood grief isn’t just sadness. It can be anger at the person for leaving, guilt about something they said, fear about what happens next, relief that suffering is over, or even happiness when something good happens.
Try saying this: “All your feelings about Uncle Mike are okay. You might feel sad and mad and confused, sometimes all at once. That’s normal. There’s no wrong way to feel.”
When your child expresses difficult feelings, resist the urge to fix them or talk them out of it. Instead, acknowledge what you’re seeing. “That sounds hard,” or “I can see how much you’re hurting.”
If your child has trouble identifying or expressing feelings, help them build emotional vocabulary. “You seem frustrated. Is that what you’re feeling, or is it something else?”
Some kids find it easier to show you through drawing, playing with figures, or choosing from a feelings chart.
How Children Grieve in Their Own Way
Adults tend to grieve continuously, with gradual improvements over time. Children grieve in what therapists sometimes call “puddle jumping.” They step into intense grief, feel it fully, then step back out to play and be kids.
This isn’t avoidance or denial. It’s how children protect themselves from being overwhelmed.
Your child might sob over their grandmother’s photo, then ten minutes later ask for a snack and turn on cartoons. This doesn’t mean they’re over it or don’t care. Their developing brains can only handle grief in small doses.
Children also re-grieve at new developmental stages. A five-year-old who lost a parent might grieve again at age ten when they understand loss more deeply, and again at sixteen when they see friends with both parents at graduation.
Each stage of development brings new understanding and new feelings about the loss. This is normal and healthy. It doesn’t mean something went wrong in their original grieving process. It means they’re integrating the loss into their evolving understanding of themselves and the world.
When Circumstances of Death Matter
How someone died affects how children grieve. Different types of loss create different needs.
Expected vs. Sudden Death
When death follows a chronic illness, children may have had time to begin processing the loss gradually. If the family worked with hospice or palliative care, these providers often offer bereavement support specifically designed for children.
But children might also be exhausted from months of stress and uncertainty, watching their loved one decline.
Sudden deaths from accidents or medical emergencies leave children with no chance to prepare or say goodbye. Neither type of loss is easier. Both create unique challenges.
Violent or Traumatic Deaths
Deaths from suicide, murder, accidents, or other violence can be tough for children to process. Research shows that violent deaths can create traumatic images that interfere with healthy grieving.
Children might have intrusive thoughts about how the person died, wish they could have prevented it, or fantasize about saving them.
If the death involved violence or trauma, your child likely needs specialized support to process both the trauma and the grief. These aren’t the same, and both require attention.
Loss of a Primary Caregiver
The death of a parent or primary caregiver reaches beyond grief into every aspect of daily life. Who will take care of them? Where will they live? Will their whole life change?
These practical questions can intensify grief and create additional anxiety. Studies show that children who lose a primary caregiver between ages 7 and 12 may be particularly vulnerable to long-term effects, including difficulties in parenting their own children later in life.
Maintain Routines While Allowing Flexibility
When everything feels chaotic, routines create islands of predictability. Try to maintain familiar patterns like bedtime rituals, family meals, and weekend activities. These small anchors of normalcy help children feel safer in their daily lives after loss.
But also build in flexibility. Some days your child may not be able to follow their usual schedule, and that’s okay.
You might say: “We usually go to soccer practice on Thursdays, but if you’re not feeling up to it today, we can skip this week.”
The goal is to provide structure without rigidity. Structure says, “The world is still here, and you’re safe.” Flexibility says, “Your feelings matter, and we’ll adjust to support you.”
Validate All Their Feelings
Grief isn’t linear. Your child might cycle through contradictory emotions in a single afternoon. They can be angry that Grandpa died, miss him, and be glad he’s not in pain anymore. All those feelings can be true at the same time.
When your child expresses difficult feelings like anger or relief, resist the urge to correct or redirect. If they say, “I’m glad he’s dead because now I don’t have to visit the hospital anymore,” you might feel shocked. But responding with “Don’t say that!” teaches them to hide their real feelings.
Instead, try: “It sounds like hospital visits were hard for you. You can feel relieved that part is over and still love Grandpa.”
Offer Multiple Ways to Express Grief
Not every child is verbal, especially when emotions run high. Children need options for processing that match their developmental stage and personality.
Creative expression might help some kids. They can draw pictures of memories, write letters to the person who died, make memory boxes with photos and special objects, or create photo books or scrapbooks.
Physical outlets help others. Running, dancing, hitting pillows, throwing balls, swimming, or other forms of movement release tension held in the body.
Play is essential for younger children who process through play. They might act out funerals with dolls, crash toy cars repeatedly, or play “hospital” over and over. This is healthy. They’re working through what happened in a language they understand.
Storybooks specifically written about loss can help children understand their feelings and feel less alone. Ask your pediatrician, librarian, or therapist for age-appropriate recommendations.
Some kids just need a quiet connection. No talking, just presence. Watch a movie together, go for drives around Austin, or sit while they do homework.
Let your child lead. If they say they don’t want to talk, honor that while leaving the door open. “Okay. I’m here whenever you’re ready. Tonight, next week, or months from now.”
Understanding Different Kinds of Loss
We typically associate grief with death, but children grieve many kinds of losses.
They might be mourning the death of a family member, friend, or beloved pet. Divorce or separation of parents. Moving away from their home, school, or friends in Austin. A parent’s chronic illness that changes family dynamics. Loss of safety after trauma or violence. Even developmental losses, like a younger sibling realizing they won’t be the baby anymore.
All these losses are real and deserve acknowledgment. Don’t minimize non-death grief with statements like “At least nobody died.” To your child, the loss feels enormous regardless of the type.
For the death of a loved one, use clear language about what happened and create ways to remember the person or pet. For divorce or family changes, reassure children they’re not to blame, and both parents still love them (if true). Help them understand what will change and what will stay the same.
For moves or transitions, acknowledge what they’re losing while helping them look forward to new possibilities. Create rituals to say goodbye.
For any loss, validate that their grief is real and you’re moving through it together.
When Grief Gets Stuck
Most children gradually adjust to loss with support from trusted adults. But sometimes grief gets stuck.
About 10% of bereaved children develop what therapists call prolonged grief – intense mourning that doesn’t ease over time and starts interfering with their ability to function. Research published in the Journal of Child and Adolescent Trauma shows that prolonged grief is distinct from depression or anxiety.
Consider seeking professional help if your child shows these signs for more than six months after the death:
They can’t stop yearning for the person. They constantly talk about wanting them back, can’t focus on anything else, or are preoccupied with thoughts of the deceased.
They can’t accept what happened. They still set a place at the table for them, expect them to come home, or refuse to believe they’re gone (beyond normal developmental misunderstanding).
They feel like part of themselves died, too. They say things like “I’m not me anymore without them” or “Part of me died too.”
They feel emotionally numb for extended periods. They go through motions without engagement or seem emotionally flat.
They avoid everything related to the loss. They refuse to go to school, withdraw completely from friends, or avoid any reminder of the person to the point that it limits daily functioning.
Their daily life is significantly impaired. They have persistent problems at school, with friends, or at home beyond the first few months. Grades drop, or behavioral issues emerge.
They develop physical symptoms that don’t improve. Significant changes in eating or sleeping persist, or they frequently complain of stomachaches or headaches without a medical cause.
They show concerning behaviors. They talk about wanting to die to be with the person, engage in risky or self-destructive behaviors, or undergo sudden personality changes.
You might also want to seek support if the death was violent, traumatic, or by suicide. If your child witnessed the death or discovered the body. If your child has a history of anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges. If your family is experiencing multiple stressors simultaneously. Or if you’re struggling with your own grief and finding it hard to support your child.
What Therapy for Grieving Children Looks Like
Therapy for grieving children often looks different than talk therapy for adults.
Play therapy allows younger children to process loss through their natural language of play. Group therapy connects children with peers who understand what they’re going through. Trauma-focused approaches help when traumatic circumstances complicate grief.
Getting help early can prevent complicated grief from developing into longer-term depression or anxiety. You wouldn’t wait to see a doctor if your child broke their arm. Grief can be just as painful and sometimes needs professional attention to heal properly.
Taking Care of Yourself
You can’t pour from an empty cup. If you’re grieving the same loss your child is, you’re dealing with your own pain while trying to support theirs. That’s incredibly difficult.
It’s okay to let your child see that you’re sad too. In fact, it’s helpful. It shows them that grief is normal and that adults have feelings.
What’s not helpful is leaning on your child for emotional support or losing your ability to provide stability.
Make sure you have your own support system. Talk to friends, family, a therapist, or a grief support group. Take breaks when you can. Ask for help with practical tasks. Put on your own oxygen mask first.
Your child needs you to be a stable adult, not a perfect one. You can cry, struggle, and have hard days while still providing the safety and consistency your child needs.
Moving Forward Together
Grief doesn’t have an endpoint where everyone is suddenly “over it” and back to normal. Instead, it becomes integrated into life.
The sharp, overwhelming pain gradually becomes more manageable. The memories shift from being primarily painful to being bittersweet or even joyful.
Your child will carry this loss forward, but it doesn’t have to define their life. With your support, they can grow around their grief, creating space for both the loss and new experiences, joy, and growth.
Some days will be harder than others. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and unexpected triggers can bring waves of grief even years later. That’s normal. Grief isn’t something to get over. It’s something to integrate.
Your job is to be there. To answer the same questions patiently. To hold them when they cry and let them play when they’re ready. To create a home where all feelings are acceptable and where love (both for each other and for the person who died) has space to exist.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Supporting a grieving child can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re grieving too. Professional support can help both you and your child process the loss in healthy ways and ensure grief doesn’t become complicated.
At Firefly Therapy Austin, we understand that children’s grief looks different than adult bereavement. Our therapists are trained in developmentally appropriate approaches that meet children where they are, whether that’s through play, art, talk therapy, or a combination of methods.
We also support parents and caregivers as you work through supporting your child while managing your own grief. We’re here to help your family move through this difficult time with compassion, expertise, and hope.