Updated on July 17, 2025
It’s hard to see someone you care about hurting. Whether they’re grieving a loss, facing a mental health challenge, or just going through a tough season, it’s natural to want to say the right thing, but sometimes, the words don’t come easily.
You might worry about saying the wrong thing or making things worse, or you might feel helpless. But offering meaningful emotional support doesn’t require the perfect phrase. What matters most is your presence, your willingness to listen, and your ability to meet them with empathy.
This guide explores simple but powerful phrases you can use to comfort someone in pain and why they work. It also includes examples, suggestions on what not to say, and guidance for creating a safe, validating space.
Why Our Words Matter
What we say during someone’s lowest moments can stay with them for a long time. Research shows that emotional validation, acknowledging someone’s feelings without judgment, can reduce distress, strengthen relationships, and help the brain regulate stress more effectively.
One 2017 study in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience found that participants who received emotional validation had reduced activity in brain regions linked to emotional pain, compared to those who were invalidated or ignored.
Validation doesn’t mean fixing anything. It means showing up and saying, “I see you. Your experience makes sense.”
Helpful Phrases to Use When Someone Is Struggling
Each phrase below offers emotional support in a different way. You don’t have to memorize them; use what feels right for your relationship and their situation. The goal isn’t to fix, it’s to connect.
“I’m here for you.”
Why it helps: This offers presence without pressure. It’s a reminder that they’re not alone.
Try saying:
- “I’m here if you want to talk or if you just want someone nearby.”
- “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
Tip: Don’t just say it, show it. Send a check-in text. Drop off a meal. Sit beside them without filling the silence.
“You’re not alone.”
Why it helps: Feelings like depression or grief often come with a sense of isolation. Reminding someone that they’re not the only one experiencing pain and that you care can be grounding.
Alternatives:
- “You don’t have to carry this all by yourself.”
- “Whatever you’re feeling, I want to hear it.”
“It’s okay not to be okay.”
Why it helps: This normalizes emotional distress and creates space for vulnerability. It also interrupts harmful cultural messages that suggest people should always be “fine.”
Try adding:
- “You don’t need to hold it all together right now.”
- “Anyone in your shoes would be struggling too.”
What to avoid: Phrases like “You’ve got this!” or “Just stay positive,” while well-meaning, can feel dismissive when someone is deeply hurting.
“Can you tell me what this feels like for you?”
Why it helps: Instead of assuming what they’re going through, you’re inviting them to speak. That’s a powerful way to build trust.
Follow-ups might include:
- “What’s been the hardest part of this?”
- “Do you want to talk, or would you rather just have some company right now?”
Tip: You don’t need to fix. Just listen. Respond with reflections like, “That sounds really heavy,” or “Thanks for telling me that.”
“What can I do to support you right now?”
Why it helps: Rather than guessing what they need or jumping in with solutions, you’re giving them a sense of control.
Examples of What to Offer Without Overstepping
| Offer Type | How to Say It |
|---|---|
| Physical help | “Can I drop off dinner or take care of errands for you?” |
| Emotional support | “Want to talk, vent, or sit in silence together?” |
| Distraction/fun | “Would a movie night or walk help take your mind off things?” |
| Space or autonomy | “Would it help to have some alone time right now?” |
Tip: Be specific. “Let me know if you need anything” can be too vague when someone is overwhelmed.
“Let’s take this one step at a time.”
Why it helps: Emotional distress can make everything feel like too much. Helping someone zoom in on the next small step can reduce anxiety and increase their sense of agency.
Try saying:
- “Let’s just focus on today.”
- “We’ll figure this out together, one piece at a time.”
“I’m proud of you for sharing this with me.”
Why it helps: Speaking up when you’re struggling takes courage. Affirming that effort helps reduce shame and strengthens your connection.
Other affirmations:
- “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
- “It’s not easy to talk about these things. You’re brave for doing it.”
What Not to Say (Even If You Mean Well)
Sometimes, our desire to cheer someone up can lead us to say things that invalidate their experience.
Common Missteps and What to Say Instead
| Phrase to Avoid | Why It Can Hurt | Try This Instead |
|---|---|---|
| “At least…” | Minimizes their pain | “That sounds incredibly hard.” |
| “Everything happens for a reason.” | Can feel dismissive of real suffering | “I hate that you’re going through this.” |
| “You’ll be fine.” | Ignores the present struggle | “Whatever comes next, I’m here with you.” |
| “Other people have it worse.” | Guilt-inducing and invalidating | “Your pain matters, and I care about you.” |
When Support Isn’t Enough: Knowing When to Involve a Professional
Some situations require more than friendship and empathy. If your loved one shows signs of crisis, such as talk of self-harm, substance abuse, or total withdrawal, it’s time to get professional help involved. This doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a friend or family member. It just means they need more than you alone can offer.
Warning signs may include:
- Talking about feeling hopeless or like a burden
- Expressing thoughts of death or self-harm
- Withdrawing from daily activities, work, or relationships
- Misusing drugs or alcohol to cope
- Intense mood swings, paranoia, or agitation
- Sudden changes in sleep, appetite, or hygiene
You can say:
- “I care about you, and I think it might help to talk to someone who’s trained to support you through this.”
- “Would you be open to me helping you find a therapist?”
- “You don’t have to do this alone—and you deserve real support.”
If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Your Presence Matters More Than Perfect Words
You don’t need to have all the answers. You need to be present, listen, and create a safe space for the people you love. When someone’s hurting, what they’ll remember isn’t a perfectly crafted phrase; it’s how you made them feel.
If you or someone you love could use extra support right now, we’re here to help. Connect with a therapist at Firefly Therapy Austin and take the next step toward healing.
Firefly Therapy Austin offers affordable, effective therapy in Austin, Texas.
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